finding my happy place

i want to scream you're name louder louder louder. i just cant tell you. i want myself to be yours. when will that ever happen? god. im so dumb! why am i so shy!?!

i have to move on from my past and start thinking that im a change person now.

he is such my rebound guy. i cant stop thinking about him. i miss him and really i want him to be mine. i just dont know how to own him. what should i do? i get all quiet when he is around. i get so shy and its because he's just so gorgeous i get so intimidated. but he always comes in the right time and make me feel wanted when i am in my fucked up mood... aww sigh. i wish he could be mine.

sometimes i feel like im such a little girl. i feel that im not maturing as how my other friends are doing. im living by myself and basically knows how to manage around the house but deep inside me and the way i think it seems like im still a little girl....is that bad?

so tomorrow i will be focusing on being productive.

first things first.

i will wake up early.

do laundry.

submit my resumes on line

research on the website for a job possibility

finish up my painting

i shall only focus on those things for that day itself and not think about the day after tomorrow.

so how do you stop being a hopeless romantic? can someone tell me?

awww i think im getting old. i feel i want to have love in my life. i want to love someone right now so bad....

does anybody know the song "US" by regina spektor?

its been a while that ive developed a crush on someone and this is the longest by far. how do i stop it? im having all these imaginary thoughts in my mind that includes him and its out of control. i know in reality there wont be any future between the two of us because it just wont happen. how do i stop. im already beginning to hope and honestly i know its hopeless. its so stupid. he's just really good looking and he just cracks me up a lot. you know those are my two turn ons. he's just really different in my eyes.

I am a silk screen

Whether it is to a friend or not, you shield yourself. You hide behind a silk screen whenever you're scared or nervous. You hide from people, especially yourself. You don't know your true self... yet. You believe that if you let people find out the real you, you will soon be betrayed. However, being under a silk screen, people can see what you're truly hiding. Your friends will always be there to talk to, but you just need to work up the courage to tell them what's on your mind. You shouldn't be scared of what's coming up next in your life. You need to embrace your inner self. Take action now. Sooner or later, you will need to face the music.

im in love but only on my mind. there's really no particular person right now. if there would be someone maybe im in love with him because ive created an illusion of him in my mind. when i meet the right person, i would be a good girl already..and focus on him.  am i crazy for feeling in love when in fact i dont have anyone really? is this what you call im in love with love?!

everyday i wake up hoping to find you...

i woke up awesome today

yes the meds are kickin! i shall go to sleep early finally

i wont be on facebook for a few days! its a must! im not being productive at all!!

i feel bad for him... :( i just found out his dirty side and why he thinks that way.. he can't have sex with any girl and he knows that. that's why he's so good with metaphors he has so much goin on his mind he can't say things straight. that's why he enjoys porn so bad.. im so sorry for him i hope he cures his issues...i hope i could help him out at the same time.....

happy birthday mama mary

so he said i was alone? that really hurt!

i love how i cannot and will never ever be content

ive been partying way too much and wayy toO hard! fuck im like a drug addict i feel bad partying already. i just cant say NO. HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP!!!

starting to feel a little emotional. its either i admit it and totally screw it up or i stop right now and hide these unsure emotions of mine. i think im feeling so vulnerable. its either i hide away from it or face it. am i really falling in love or falling in lust? either way i think its a bad thing. i dont trust myself to stand up for what i feel. im not ready. i dont know why but i seem unsure about it. if im having second thoughts then maybe its not really it. i think i might need some space settle what im feeling or maybe hide away from it. thats the best thing i guess. yes, definitely hide. that i think is the solution.

thank you lord for all the blessings that i have received in this lifetime. even though i am not working, i am still coping. but with the time that i am not working is the time that i learned to discover myself, who i am and what my priorities are. i know you will always be by my side and im keeping the faith strong. thank you so much.

FOCUS!

1. make several resumes

2. print out at the copier store by tom

3. google restaurants/ cafes/ jobs that offer hosting jobs

4. send out resumes online

I JUST NEED A FUCKING JOB! WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!

so far its been a productive day. been sending out my resumes. man i really do need a job right now. i need money to live! i want to spend and go shopping and maybe hit the gym but i cannot afford it yet right now. i reall need money hope i get a job soon. oh please lord let me realize what my priorities are and give me self control! please lead me to the right direction too.

I know im definitely not a loser. Sometimes im just trying to stop myself from crying. I dont want to lose and go back home to where i came home but i dont know where to go at this point and get a job. yes, i hope its not yet too late till i find one. first things first an priorities first. oh lord please help me since you are the only one who can help me right now. please strenghten the faith. i still want to do a lot of things and i need money for that. maybe help out some people and make people happy by me getting a job. i also want to prove something to myself because i know, i am capable of doing things. please help me.

BLEW ANOTHER FUCKING HOT DATE! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!

fuck i just wanna bitch and die. wanna scream and cry my heart out im just so mad i cant express my anger. its all trapped in! it hurts...

i need to be rescued. atleast someone who can make me strong enough.

it pains me to know that my mom says shes done with me. i dont know why we never got along. i guess it takes two to tango. she never was proud of me anyways. i have to learn how to be on my own. God bless my life and how i will make it. its not that i dont want to be succesful i just dont know how to....

sometimes i just want to die. it seems i feel like no one around cares about me. i dont even have a family whoc ares for me. my mom doesnt care about me. i envy my sister sometimes, she has a boyfriend that loves and cares for her...