finding my happy place

i hate him because he is sooo goodlooking!! i wanted to go out with him and he asked me out but i turned him down! why because he is just so good looking im intimidated by him!!! whats wrong with me. i kissed him and he said he wanted me. i think he liked what happened too and he enjoyed it. thats why he said he wants me. i dont know what his intentions are really when he said that but i feel so little around him. i want to be nice and sweet to him and not hate him because im really into him! i cant get him out of my head and i have been staring at his photo for hours. he is that good looking. what the fuck is wrong with me?

I want to be a gogo dancer. is that bad? its my dream to dance and perform on stage! that is my goal and when i get it i will feel confident and fuck whoever thinks of me as a nobody fuck you all when you see me up there blow your minds off.

I will surrender to it fully. i couldnt care less this is what my fate leads me to. this is what will make me strong.

i saw him and he caught my eye. he was looking fine and i wanted to look cute. i walked up to him and said hey what's up and he said hey what's up. it was so sexy i felt that i was attracted to him yet again. i was keeping it cool. not too excited just subtle. we walked in the club together holding hands, i was being real and honest. i did miss him and i was excited to see him. i gave him a kiss and left him hoping to see him around the place again. i didnt know what happened to him. i just did my own thing didn't care where he was or what he was doing, i was having fun myself and it was great. i didnt expect  i would see him again not until his face popped out of nowhere. he was already beside me. we were being sweet. how come its always like that between the two of us? we where inseparable since then again. we went out for a smoke. and we couldnt care less about the people seeing us displaying our affection. he told me he wanted me. and that i was so pretty and sexy. i wanted him too. he looked cute and hot. there is just something about him. he said he had to leave but he will come back for me. i went back inside and had a good time again. i was feeling worried that he might not come back for me. after a while. i saw his face..he was walking up to me. and there he was. it was just gonna be the two of us again. he was so cute i kept on pulling his ears like a monkey. :p we went to another club. it was gonna be a joyride once again. we cuddled..we held hands. we kissed. it was so good kissing him i love kissing him so much. what a good kisser. was it because i had suppressed feelings for him? we were heading back to his place again. it was my second time there. i never knew it was gonna happen again. we slept together. we fucked so hard. it was amazing. i didnt stop it from happening because i wanted it so bad too. why do i keep wanting to have sex with him? i love having sex with him. i just feel like there might be a slight connection that's why i am attracted to him. i just dont sleep with just about any guy. he is such a bad bad boy, cocky and all but nice and he is so good at it. i think that's what keeps me attracted to him. im such a slut and i hate beating myself up. fuck.

should i still pursue it? i am having second thoughts about this bar now where i will be dancing. it is kinda ghetto do i want to do this?

what the fuck am i doing?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

i wanna get mad! im am so mad and angry right now and i dont even know how to express it! i dont feel good. i wish someone cared about me

i have to stop seeing HIM.

im so sad right now. maybe i should just get pregnant. or move states.  my family never really cared about me. they're always mad at me. im so tired. i just want to die or maybe have a family of my own. so atleast i can have someone as my own.

Maybe i need to have a boyfriend now so i wouldn't feel insecure and that i have someone to care for me.....

I am running away again. i have to stay positive and not worry too much. how do i become happy? i want to stop hating myself but i dont know how

can someone cheer me up? please

i think i want to get married already. it must be fun having someone by your side. i know it is not a bed of roses but the important thing that i seek in it is the company. being together. i know it will happen eventually and that i will have a happy family life. i cant wait. i have been sad all my life. maybe that will be the time that i will stop being sad and see the world in a different perspective. i hope to find my love soon.

i hate myself that is why i can't love.

Come live with me and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That valleys, groves, hills, and fields,
Woods or steepy mountain yield. 

- Christopher Marlowe

why do i wake up with a strain on my neck every morning? it hurts so bad

You're Scared of Intimacy

o, I'm not talking about what you do in bed-- you've got that part covered. But when things get serious emotionally, you tend to back away. You're what we call a ''commitmentophobe.'' Whether it's because you fear letting someone into your life or that you're scared of getting hurt or that you're just not sure that there isn't a better out there, settling down with one person practically gives you hives. Whatever the reason, it's important to get to the root of the problem and solve it. Giving a part of yourself to someone else in a relationship certainly is intense, but if you're with the right person, you're likely to gain more than you'll lose.

fuck i got so fucking wasted last night i kept on yakking about the last guy i was crushing on and spilled, gave all details about what happened to us to this girl. fuck i hope she doesnt share anything or blab about the things i told her to our other friends. i hope she wont gossip about me! omg. im so doomed! why do i have to keep talking about him!!!!! fuck im so desperate!!!! i hope she doesnt spill it or talk about me. ok im just being so paranoid perhaps. urgh!

i want to be a bad, bad girl.