finding my happy place

we've been hanging out lately. the first time we hung out we both felt that there was a connection..im sure he felt it too. there was an attraction for certain. he was attracted to me and i to him. we would talk and talk for hours and not get tired about it..and everything would seem so hazy and it felt really good..like we didnt even know how that happened...it felt so smooth..and it was so nice and released all the tension and we both felt so good after our talk.. i wouldn't be so sure since it took only three days till he asked me out again. we  both had fun. and he was being sweet to me..and i was being sweet to him too. we went everywhere our feet could bring us and we had the best laughter and adventure we could have. it was so much fun. and then there were always times when he would ask me what i would be doing and what my plans were for the night...and i would usually say that i cant or i had other plans. i was doing it not on purpose...until i realized that i wanted to go out more and he was the perfect guy to  hang out with since he knew all the places to go to. i kinda sensed that we were hanging out more and that it didnt even bother me if i was the one who was asking him out thinking that it didnt have any meaning. it got a little out of control until we would kiss or fool around this time when we would go out. i wanted to see him and he wanted to see me too but why is it that it just wont come from him that we'd hang out. so it got to a point when i was putting myself out there thinking that i wanted to go out and if i dont do anything then im not gonna get something from him that he'd take me out. i knew we were getting a bit physical so he told me that, that was the reason why he stopped asking me out because he didnt wanna force anything. i was just in awe because everytime i would text him he's always been responsive and ready to see me. there was this one time that he was hanging out with this girl and then i texted him because i was so drunk and he met me and totally ditched the girl to be with me...well thats how i would put it because why would he let me go there if he was with someone...he told me hed meet me somewhere but it was already closed then i told him i would just go home then he told me not to and to just meet me to where he was at. so i came and then that's when i saw that he was with a girl. i kinda knew that it was bound to happen. it certainly was..i showed him my motives..i was out once again..i  didnt  know what was happening and i guess i didnt have any control of the situation any more...im believing that it was just bound to happen. so we did it. but we wanted to remain friends..nothing is gonna come out of it..we both decided that there would be no relationship to come out of it. and it's perfectly fine with me. he said he liked me because i was so sweet and fun to be with and if the situation were different he said he would date me. was he being sincere? or he is just really a player? i was never honest with him about my feelings...i think i like him too..but in a non romantic way..i just like spending time with him..what does that mean?! i never said i like him and i dont know if he gets it with my actions..will i scare him away if i told him and became honest to him or am i just putting myself to get hurt more? after doing it..he texted me the same day he even said he misses me...and that he promised that hed take me or wed hang out to this nice place with a friend. i was excited about it...and relieved that atleast were cool and that he wont just drop me off like that. and then came the day when i got so drunk again and i just had to text him...something stupid like i was being promiscous?! im not really sure how he perceived it but i dont know if it even affected him..he said he liked me and that he enjoyed the sex but did my text make any impact? he was just cool about it..not until i realized all the twist or i just figured it out since i thought about it too much. part of me hoped it never happened..maybe because i wanted him to not get tired of me and for him to want what he cant have and now i lost it. is he tired of me or is he just being forced that im texting him and he has to respond? he wont even initiate texting me. and he wont text me anymore to hang out when he said he would. i guess it was really all about sex. that's just what he wanted from me is that right? and now that he got me he wouldnt want me anymore..even to just hang out. now i feel that he just wanted me for sex since he wont even bother to make plans out with me anymore like he always would. and now im sad about it. because he said he wanted to be friends and that we just did it " to get it out of our systems". but if we are friends then why wont he want me to come with him like he would usually ask me to. or simply even ask me  what my plans are for the night? he would before but how come he wont now? he told me before that the reason why he wouldnt text me was because he didnt want to impose something to me or "force" me into doing something i dont want to and now were done with the sex and getting it out of our systems...how come he still wont reach out. i got upset with him but i apologized about it because i was like why did we do it then we discussed it..but the main thing is that i got paranoid if he was still going to be there like the usual him who would ask me to hang and who would wants to be with me..i said i was out with friends and he immediately asked if i wanted to hang but i said i cant because i feel like he was just asking me out because he had to and that because i was upset that he had to do something about it. if i didnt text him..he wouldnt text me. and he never even made his promise that wed hang out to this place that i like...could it be because i got upset and he just didnt know how to react to me and that he's just thinking there might be drama and all so we should just avoid until were both cool? i told him that we should just start doing our own thing and then thats it. im so confused...last night i texted him and i was like..i havent heard from him since forever and he was kinda vague since he said something like "go out tonight?" what does that mean? was he asking me out? or was he asking if i WAS out? did he wanna see me? i said i was out with friends and that i was just checking..i told him ill see him soon if he wants too and he replied that he hopes to see me soon. but im waiting and waiting for him to text me...the main thing that keeps holding on is the fact that he said he liked me...but there are no feelings involved...not even to hang without feelings involved..is he keeping me hanging...i just want to hang and go out.. i never said i liked him. he was the one who said he likes me...but y is it that he still wont make a move..he said he wanted to hang in the first place... no im not going to text him anymore..not this time.. i just want to know if he really still wants to see me and that he didnt lose his interest on me since we already had sex.....i fear that he did and im sad..i dont want to lose him as a friend..i feel that it shouldnt end like this.. help...i dont know what to think anymore...i keep analyzing the same thing over and over again meanwhile i dont even know if he's thinking of me after all that has happened... i think i know the answer but i just dont want to be negative about it... *sigh* please help anyone...i just need another persons opinion...a guys opinion would be really good..... :(

eww i really hate myself for doing that! im so stupid!! i cant believe i still go to him and ask him that...i mean, why am i doing this to myself anyways?! what's my point!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So my dad taught me to speak only kind words....kind words..

He wont because he doesnt want to. Simple as that. Dont take it out on you or blame yourself if he doesnt want you anymore. Its not your fault. Just respect his decision. It's not you, it's his own functioning system that does it. That's how he is programmed. You dont even have to worry about a thing because he is not thinking of you nor is he affected by you so do what you have to do. Believe in yourself and dont think of what other people will think of you. Dont even worry about anything because everything happens for a reason. Just be nice to people and sincere and say what you know. Be true to ourself and just focus.

Note: Re- read to yourself 500 times.

- Self

If i find my purpose then ill stop partying and give it up completely. I hope i find it soon.

yes! now i hate him! i definitely dont want to see him ever again! no, not over my dead body! never!!!!

i hate myself for not being aggressive at all. i just let things be even if i feel that i am being taken for granted. i never want people to feel that way....i never wish to do bad things to them. im sad that i dont even know how to lie to them even if that means getting what want. im just so happy that even with my passive behavior, i still get what i want or desire for the moment. somehow im thankful enough to the guy up there for giving me what i want with this passive behavior that i have i dont think id be able to get it. i know he is helping me. somehow, i just admire the people who can get what they want at an instant. even if that would mean resorting to lying or being selfish or whatever. i dont mean to sound judgemental but i just admire them for their skills. it is hard to get what i want with my kind of attitude...sometimes i even think that im just making a fool out of myself. or maybe they would think that im such a wannabee. i dont think that i am a wannabee because i know exactly where i stand and i know things. all i have to do is to accept my strenghts and believe in them. my only hope is for people to get to know me more. for them to know the real me. and accept me for my character..... i wish im doing it well. and that people will just believe in me.

im so happy i have a new crush...come to think of it i never really have a crush here at the place where im at.  yeah, hes cute and im so happy that he came up to me. well he's ok and i enjoyed talking to him even if it was just quite a while..i just kept on dancing and he was just right in front of me...there really must be a connection right or atleast an attraction for him to come up to me. whats wrong with me!!! everytime i speak to guys who are good- looking or when guys talk to me i get butterflies in my tummy? weird huh? or i think they like me! it's really weird. i have to play it cool or atleast i might freak them out. i really have to work on my people skills! and do it. i think he's ok. and he's the first good looking guy and crushable guy compared to the guys i have dated around here. he's funny too! and i was funny when we talked. humor is always number one to me. sad we didnt even exchanged numbers...i dont know maybe something could be wrong!

im sad they cant even get my name right. they either always mistaken it and interchange it with another letter and pronounce it so differently. im worried if the people i meet even remember me. i just want to be remembered.

i found myself asking what's the point of partying??? and i say it is to have a good time! but what to we get from it??? just a couple of hours spending time outside drinking, dancing, smoking, all sorts of doing the fun stuff then what comes next?? what d i get from it? confidence? yes...and improved social skills. i guess that's what i benefit from it! yes?

I really miss him!!! i hope we could hang out again!!! well that one night we spent together surely didnt "get it out of our systems" well, to me atleast, now all the more do i want to be with him...it was just soooo hot!!!! i hope he didnt forget about me..after all we are friends. but it just got me thinking seems like something is stopping him from texting me and wanting to hang....why is he not texting me or calling me or inviting me out????!?!?!?! maybe "it" really is out of his system!!! is there even such a thing as this? oh my god! i would say yes to him right now.....does he need more time just so we could cool down first from the fact that we're friends that had sex? well it was just a one night stand.....but i still want to hang with him...he said he wanted to too. but why are we still not hanging out right now? 

i am so infatuated with him. I dont know how it will stop. we already had sex...honestly, he really was the one who wanted to do it. in the beginning, i wouldnt do it. i never said i will. i was just so drunk to have showed him the motives...plus, when he kissed me it was just so good that i couldnt help but just give in. it was great. and he kissed me really, really good. i dont know why i can't stop thinking about him now....i thought i told myself i didnt like him but i guess when i think about it and the mystery and the chase...it just gets hotter and hotter. i dont even know if he's over and done with me. i tried to be promiscous yet again, just because i wanted to but i dont know why he wouldnt budge in or if he was trying to stop it again like he always does to control it. i know he wants too...and it is perfectly fine. i want him too. i dont blame him if he sleeps with other girls..i dont really care...he said he doesn't sleep with other girls..but i dont really want to believe that. just the other night i tried to text him so we could hang out just like old times but he said  he was with a girl and that she left her house keys at his place and he had to come home to give it to her. just goes to show that he's been sleeping around. of course, now what would they be doing at his place that the keys had to be misplaced....it's a given, he already did her...just like what he did to me....he doesnt even text me anymore...nor do i text him anymore..i feel like i already put myself out there so much to someone who wouldnt reciprocate nothing...meanwhile, he was the one who first said that he really liked me and that he enjoyed my company. im so confused. he used to say that the reason why he wouldnt want to hang with me is because he doesnt want anything to feel forced. now no one would want to make it work. but we both want to be with each other and simply hang...or maybe feel each others closeness...but no one would dare make a move...i just miss him a lot! i hope this feeling would go away...but i just keep on fantasizing him. i wonder if he even thinks of me too....

3 weeks.....nothing. it just ended. i hope i move on why oh why am i still hooked to him??!?!?! i dont like him....i just like doing it with him! simple. how can he not want to do it? i dont know what's going on if he still wants to or not, really. i want to know why not and why does he want to stop it? he doesnt have to worry about me..there wont be any emotional baggage to be involved..why is he so careful??!!! or maybe he just doesnt have the hots anymore..is that even possible with guys??

What puzzles me the most is that after all the bad and tough situations ive intentionally put myself into, i have not shed a single tear no matter how heart breaking it is. i wonder if i am just doing all this so i could feel. yes, i think about these things and i feel the hurt and pain but i just wont cry over it. am i turning into a masochist? why am i doing this to myself? i feel the pain but it seems like i dont feel anything at all.

i guess we meet certain people at different stages of our lives for a reason. that way, we learn how to put things into perspective and get a better understanding of ourselves and perhaps make us realize some things we dont understand but through them and meeting them at proper timing, we redeem some answers to situations we never understood in the past and give us a heightened sense of wisdom.

ok so finally after missing him and thinking about him the past few days, i decided to text him this afternoon. because i need him to come with me to this party and since he always comes to that place i decided to invite him over. actually, i still insisted on texting my other friend first because i would choose to be with her first rather than him...but she can't make it so, i didnt care anymore than to just text him. so we texted for a bit...i just dont know if he's gonna go. if he didnt go and my other friend couldnt make it, i would still go by myself. then again, a miracle happened and my girlfriend decided to come with me. so thats great. i still want to see him tonight...but i wouldnt text him anymore and bug him again. a first time invitation is enough. after this, i dont know if i would ever ask him out again. i kinda had a sense of not caring anymore. i think its basically closure for me. im not feeling really well right now, but the fact that my friend would come with me made me feel a lot better. i hope to have fun tonight since im feeling a little weird and sad because of my sickness. seeing him tonight would really set me on high. i hope to see him there tonight even for just a little while...i do miss him a lot. afterall, there's nothing wrong in finding a little happiness in the simplest things and wishes...

so, last night was okay..nothing..kinda like a sucky night..it wasnt like the fun times when everything was all good. last night was kinda stressful, no good pictures..and everyone was just running around..too many people. it was jampacked in other words. anyway i texted him again just so i could vent out. but there is no point really why im still doing it. he never texted me. never. and i wonder why not. i dont really wanna think too much anymore. what will be, will be. all i wanna do is to have fun. but why am i not getting it? i wasnt satisfied last night. and i really want to see the good in it. im afraid i might be losing my high already. i have to do something to keep me going. and i have to figure out what it is and where i will find it.....

oh my god i must have not extracted all my power just so he could be with me again. i tried everything but seems like i myself am stopping him from being with me too! im being passive aggressive. i know he wants me too! god i just want to do it again with him. why is it so difficult to achieve??? i cant wait.

i want a fuck buddy and i think i have found the perfect guy. someone whom i dont really like but i kinda like. i love the challenge of doing it and being unemotionally attached. makes my life a little less boring. and no im not gonna fall in love.

i hate it when i have only a few friends here. knowing the fact that i can be such a prideful person..i dont want them to think that im just relying only to them. they have their own sets of friends meanwhile, i dont. i hate it when my mobile world only revolves on two now three people. i crave attention. i need someone to boost my ego. why does it always have to be me to please them? when is it ever going to be my turn to have someone to really care about what i want? fuck it!

i just like the feeling when im drunk, high, wasted, tipsy. the last time i was high it was such a daze and i just couldnt control myself..i was high all round taking uppers and downers, mixed. next thing i know i was talking free flowing. i loved it. now thats the feeling of not caring. and just being yourself. how i wish i was the same way when sober. come to think of it, when i started partying hardcore, i started clean. and it was the best happy feeling ever. now i have to distinguish which is which. i was happy because i was able to express myself. now that's what makes me happy. i like playing and being playful. yes, i guess that's the real me.

we live to party! sounds heavy.

wow, just the thought of me falling in love scares me. and i dont know why. who will i fall in love with? there is no one or will there ever be one. its so scary.

the happiest time was when he made me feel he wanted me was at eleven o' clock one night. how will i ever forget that? he caught me in perfect timing. i had a great time that time.  he found me just at the time when i needed someone the most. i felt comforted. i anticipate the time it would happen again but i guess not anymore. eleven o' clock is the hour i always remember him and whenever that hour would pass by i just feel nothing and things are back to normal.

i do miss him but we can never be. i dont even know if i should tell it to him. there is just no point of telling. its not going anywhere. maybe i just like the fact that i have someone to give my attention to and im just fond of him. i dont know anymore.....i just cant get him off my mind. i really want to see him but its always a chase between the two of us and we never meet at the end.

why did we even do it in the first place. now he wouldnt want to see me anymore since he got me already. whatelse could be a reason, it's been days. im getting so impatient. i have to stop waiting and maybe if i do it will just happen. oh wait i shouldnt even expect anything. i alreaddy invited him several times! what he said was right. its just to get it out of his system. i must really like him deep inside. im so stupid!

im not gonna eat for three days! just water. i hope lose a little excess fat. i shall also be refraining from alcohol. i want to defloat even just a little.

f*uck you! you can never do this to me ever again! i hope not to see you or if i do, i will just hide from you like you did to me. or maybe i could get even and treat with you with so much kindness till it makes you feel guilty! i am strong and i will not let you eat the happy person that i am. you cannot destroy me. i miss the old me. and because of you i have been punished and am starting to lose myself. no way. its not gonna happen. i will not text you and lets just wait when you keep crawling back to me. sorry but i will be stronger then. i never really liked you anyway.

i need to party more!!! i need that kind of rush!

i dont know what to do. i have been unproductive for the past days. dont even have anyone to talk to. im bored. i want to do something fun. i want to expose myself to the people here, but why is it that they dont seem to want to accept my invitation whenever i invite them. im so sick of not doing it my way. i want to do it my way this time for a change!!!

wants to leave this world and not be forgotten. i just want people to learn that i am a good person. and that i have changed my ways from how i was in the past

ive come to realize that every time i try to invite friends or just about anyone, more often than not, i get rejected. they dont always do it my way. but if it would be their turn to invite me or ask me to come to them, i would right away drop everything and come to them. the thing is i get rejected all the time. and so, more often, i just get left alone and then i whine about being by myself. but what could i do? every time i ask them to come with me they just reject me. maybe i am not that persuasive or maybe, i am just not that important. i really want them to value me. i think its just so unfair and cruel that it seems like no one is paying attention to me nor cares about me.....

then why dont you change? if you know that there is a problem..then why dont you change yourself in order to adapt and make things better. you are not only hurting the people who loves you, if you care about them you will try to be a better person for them. i myself am hurting because of your stupid actions which you dont even know of......

falling in love doesnt have to be scripted nor does it have to feel forced. it should come easy. when it hits you, you'll know. it also doesnt have to feel desperate or come out of desperation.

That actions does speak louder than words!!! im getting a little better each day now. sometimes, distance and time apart really makes you think and stabilize your mind. it frees your judgements from any distractions that might have been contributed by excitement or because of the given situation..sometimes we also need to take it a little slow in order to get fruitful results. the most important matter is that we learn from our mistakes and each experience we face makes us a little bit wiser. whats done is done.

i think this is the best ever idea to do. if i cant force it, its better to just let go. maybe this will free me from the anxiety and disappointment that im into. i just dont want to expect. its hard to say...but if i let it go then maybe i might open myself up to more opportunities and that way i might find myself feeling happier. i have to give myself a chance too. its ok to grieve over the diappoinment that im into but i have to pick myself up. this is nothing and there is nothing to feel worried about. time heals all wounds.

i really have to learn to not think and associate all things to myself! why do i do this?? like when something is being said or done, i think it's always about me!?

I really want to go to this event tonight. maybe im seeking for something that's why i would like to come and try it out. i miss those events. i always been there since i was young. this time though im going alone. i dont care. i have to push myself to go there. after all, i feel like thats my crowd, where i belong. now i shall see if i still have that enthusiam as before when i go there tonight. i hope i have fun. last night, i went back to this club that we went to before. funny thing is i wasnt even dancing like crazy like how i did there in the past. now, it was just subtle, i loved it. i didnt even get all glammed up and dressed up like i normally would. i was just in a casual tee and jeans which was great. i feel like i didnt have the need to prove something to anyone. i was comfortable as i was. i had only two drinks which was worth it. i felt good afterwards. the screwdriver really tasted good for some reason. the funny thing is there were lots of kids at the club..like highschoolers. it kinda opened my eyes and made me realize that i wasn't a kid anymore. it was great because it somehow made me feel like a kid too, or a youngster at that. i could see myself through them before and now partying for me just meant something else, not just for the sake of saying i went out on a school night..something like that. its more deep to me. it is definitely to have fun. i loved the feeling though because those boys coming up to me made me feel like i was still wanted and noticeable. it was great. atleast, i still looked young and it was awesome. so tonight, i cant wait to go there by myself. i have to prove something to myself that i can do it and still have fun without having the need to depend on him. i want this for myself so ill do it. if i want something, i would get it. i just hope that itll be a great night free from negative energy. who knows what will happen next after this thing that im doing for myself. hopefully it is to totally distract my mind and forget about him. i hope i get all the positive energy from that place tonight and regain the fun self that i always was. i always loved trance.

at times like these i really think i want to have my own family. is that a crazy thing to think of? maybe thats the only key to finding my happiness. i guess my dad was right all along that that is the one thing that's lacking in my life. but how would i know if that really is the thing that will make me happy? what if it becomes a mistake when im finally there. yes, im scared to take the plunge and fall in love. but i want it to happen. and i want to feel loved too. im just not ready yet, but how i long for that to happen. yes, maybe that's the only thing that will keep me sane.

oh whats next in line? what will happen tomorrow? this is not good. am i seeing things as a drag now? im gonna be facing people again. i have to push myself yet again. sometimes, i just want to stay home. that way i wont think about my people trouble. i really think there's something wrong with how i relate myself to them. oh by the way it sucks that i got drunk and was throwing up all over last night. what a terrible thing. its a good thing i dont care about those people. i just wont mind it. who cares anyway.

i am just amazed with all the twists thats happening to me right now. odd as it may seem. everythin is just falling to its place..the more people i meet, the more that i learn from them. now that its late at night...i cant even go to sleep and im pondering over somethings in my mind. first, i just want to value my friends..and that they value me too...second, i want my family to love me and support me..i learned that no one else is in charge of our own lives but us. i have to start to learn how to LOVE MYSELF first. meaning, i shouldnt get all drunk and wasted and making a fool out of myself. I should take care of my mind, body and soul. that is what i should learn how to do. I should always stay positive, release the negative energy that's crowding my mind. stop being and feeling sad...these are the things that i have to practice. oh well, atleast now i know. its always a good thing that i learn how to pick mysef up whenever i fall. tomorrow is another day to make things brighter and better.

i hope i meet my architect someday.

honest to goodness, im really lost. and no matter how i say all the right words. im just really lost.

seriously, this might be the best fathers day ever. i appreciate him being a father to me. atleast for once he showed concern. thank you.

im sad about the two people important in my life. why cant they just be happy that im happy just the way things are? its like they're stopping me from my happiness. they always judge me that im not working right now and all i do is party. this is what i want to do right now and i am completely incharge of my own happiness. just as long as im not bothering anyone then why dont they just mind their own business? its like i cant be fully happy because they are being against it. i know my ways..i know what exactly to do. so instead of them hating me for it, why dont they just be on my side. its not like im not ok. im perfectly fine. this is what's saddening me..when they are not happy for me. its like im disappointing them but i really am not. this is not about them, this is all about me.

im not really feeling good right now. why does it have to be so hard and difficult. ive only been here two months and now im already feeling this again. huhuhuhuhuh im crying on the inside. how i wish i can just let it all out in tears but its not letting me. why cant i cry? i just want to burst out in tears but i can't. i just want this all to end.

most of the time i just drowned myself in music that way i dont even have to hear my own thoughts. its so tiring..its exhausting.

i have a worry too and i cant live life to the fullest. i have been blogging and its because of this guy who i had sex with. im confused. i lost my confidence. and im not happy about him. i feel like he's hiding from me and lead me on. if only i could turn back time, i wouldnt have slept with him. i feel like im to good for him, now i feel like i made him lose respect to me that he wont see me again. i really dont know what to do and im always afraid. there was this one time that i had an instinct that he went to the club i was at then left once he knew i was there. it feels so awkward. i feel awkward about it, i cant even go to the clubs anymore with the fear of seeing him there and everything would just be so awkward. its been stopping me from being the fun girl that i am. i do want to see him though. just one text from him would really make me feel better. a sincere one at that.

i do love my family. i just dont want to be so attached to them..as well as with my friends. i have this thing about getting too close to people..when i do, i feel like i have to distance myself already. i dont know why but it makes me feel so uneasy. even with my ex boyfriend, he used to tell me that whenever the point of our relationship is getting better because i cooperate and i dont create drama  and when he feels the most for me, i just ruin it and kill it.

he's emotional immaturity is stressing me out!

why dont i just accept the fact that i do like him and stop hating him? i find him really cute, funny and cool and sweet...why dont i make a change and stop denying to myself that i dont like him and just accept the fact that i do. maybe, that way  i would be less hurting and bitter. but who cares, i already am hurting so what difference would it take. maybe if i accept that fact that i do like him then maybe things wouldnt already hurt as much. yes i do like you. and how i wish you knew. I LIKE YOU and am not gonna lie anymore. i will secretly like you until i feel its right to tell you.

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

i can be heartless, ruthless.

just shut the fuck up

its just so exhausting to fight with her. it just pulls my energy down. i hate it. ughhhh!

i want you to see me. i want it to be all about me, me & me. and you dont even pay attention now like you used to. you wanted me but what's stopping you from wanting me? i cant get over you.

parties are cool! especially if you are hanging out with models and all. so why worry?

i wonder what to do today?! hahaha. im loving it. sometimes i just wish things are easy. that with a quick of a second, i can always have it my way.

i miss you.

just say this..say that you love me. and ill come running. you wont regret it. i just want to hear you say it. these words are just so comforting to me.

home alone in this place. in this country. and its not only the first time. im literally alone, with no one here to talk to, not even my family and friends. there is no one to hang with. i dont know what to do anymore!

oh wow i really feel so happy today! and i have to acknowledge that fact!! :) i hope i always feel this way. its like im having all these good and positive energy with me! i really feel so good!

fucking hates people who are passive aggressive! damn! why do they have to be that way? its either a yes or a no!

I am now officially bored! i wish i go out though but sometimes my energy just gets so drained. i want to take every opportunity when someone invites me out but sometimes i just cant do it. i wish i had all the strenght. what can me make so energetic?

I want to go out tonight and have fun! i wish they would text me. or maybe i should just be the one to do it. wow,, im so nervous! i just want to have fun. im not that desperate though. but i wish i was more aggressive.