finding my happy place

Nabobored nako sayo..I can't even express myself with you. Ewan ko ba bakit pako nagttyaga sayo..everytime I get a message from u, I can't help but feel excited..kahit wala naman pinatutunguhan yung usap natin sige parin ako..gusto ko na talaga tapusin yung usap natin hindi ko lang talaga magawa gawa..sana mag kalakas nako ng loob para na rin sa ikatatahimik ko..kakapagod din mag antay eh..

wala na ata talaga..he hasnt been responding to any of my messages!! it's been two days..i wonder if he forgot about me? im getting paranoid nanaman..di ko talaga maintindihan yung mga nangyayari sa akin! i was perfectly happy nung hindi ko siya nakilala ngayon, nakakatakot na..seems like lumala lang instead na  mas sumaya..oh no.

 

i wish i can take back all that has happened in the past and erase the misunderstandings..or kung ayaw niya ako kausapin sabihin lang niya ng  maayos..gosh..ang sakit nun kung gawin niya nga yun pero mas gugustuhin ko na rin yun para hindi nako mag expect o antayin ko pa siya diba? when is he going to respond to me? i miss him..and im just scared to lose him i dont even know whats going on his mind?? gusto niya ba talaga ako o hindi? iniisip niya ba ako o hindi? mamaya ako lang pala yung mukhang tanga dito na isip ng isip sa kanya..tapos siya pala eh puro trabaho lang inaatupag..haaay. what could be a valid reason for him not to respond to my texts?? on-line naman siya lagi..grabe..

wala na ata talaga siya.. aaw :(

I knew I was perfect for the job..and it's because I have a heart.

I almost got in deep trouble last night..i really must have a guardian angel with me or else ill probably wouldnt have made it safe home..i really have to be careful of the people especially guys that i come with..i can surely not trust anyone any more. i have to be strong and cut being all nice.

ayoko na. kontiing tiis pa ba? wala na talaga akong makitang sense eh. im all alone. i have no one. ang hirap naman din maghanap. naliligaw pako ng landas..i dont even know what makes me happy anymore. everything is superficial. gusto ko gastusin ang pera ko and just cut it. im so lost. i've been trying to help myself but wala eh. ang sakit na tlga sa puso and my stories just leads to no where. im so tired of proving that i can.

So we finally admitted to each other that we both do like each other. he said he wanted to be together and now he wants me to go to where he is based. That would mean miles and miles away from where i live and would have to take a plane in order for me to get there. He already visited me and based on the three months that we've been talking, i must say that it was not bad at all. The quality of our conversation has been very intellectual and wholesome. When he visited me once, he was even very respectful and nice to me. I must admit that he was very different from all the men i've met here on where i live..to cut it short, there is no men like him around my area. And it's really great that there is still even atleast one respectful guy in this town. So going back, now he wants  to see me and i do want to see him too. Thing is, he wants me to go to him. Im not really sure about this and frankly, im quite scared and shy to be with him for over the weekend. Well, part of my mind accepts that of course, us being together knowing that we're attracted to each other might just lead to you-know-what. I dont want to play dumb that this might be one of the very reason why he wants to see me as well. Well, anyway, I do want to see him too. But I think going there is too much..just way too much..hindi pa nga kami official eh. hindi niya pako girlfriend para mag exert ako ng ganon na effort noh. siya lalaki, siya muna ang gumawa but the way i see it parang he's aiming for equality eh. Regardless na lalaki siya his belief consist of, dapat mag take part din ang babae. wow, then this is gonna be a big step for me to do ha. Oh well, is it right for me to go there? pano kung sex lang habol non? eh nung nagkita naman kami nung unang beses ni hawakan kamay ko o tabihan ako hindi niya ginawa..so hmm pano kaya yun diba?? oh well....should i go to him or not go? actually, i dont really care na rin eh pero siyempre ayoko naman na ang dating ay wala akong self respect if pumunta ako dun..ano nalang ang mangyayari lets say if i go there? right?? it might be the end of us or maybe he just might leave me behind if makuha na niya gusto niya..hay..im still young to be putting myself in this kind of situation..but i really have high hopes for the two of us...may potential kasi talaga siya..

kairita yung guy dito sa office. napaka- loser talaga laging nagpapatulong napaka feeling. binibigyan pako ng bad vibes nito. leche!

anyways, i really dont want money to be an issue in a relationship. kung yun lang din mangyayari wag nalang at tapusin na lang namin ito. pwede? wag naman siya sana maging cheap noh. eww! issues, issues, issues.

 

this i really pissing me off at wala naman ako mapag labasan ng sama ng loob. arrrgggggggghhhhh

OK, he never goes online anymore which i believe is all my fault! i always fight with him and come up with these really weird reasons. It's so crazy..or I make it appear crazy..too much drama now I scared him away. On-line dating doesnt really make any sense to me. I know that I like him but how the hell is it gonna work out knowing that we're so far from each other..we don't even speak on the phone! duh! I guess we are just two bored individuals who click with each other and likes to talk. Well he is interesting to me anyway. I wish we'd still talk or atleast i'd have the last say when we decide to really end it. siiiiiiiiiggggggggghhhhhh I really like him but i don't know if he really really has the patience for me! One things for sure the one must have the patience to live up with my crazy way of thinking up things. Oh well. I should  really learn to accept this failed whatever you may call it from this point on..

for you..yes you! and the great minds of the tabulas community! you continously inspire and help out people and their queries in life and all about it. Thank you for the unsolicited advices and sincerest concern! :)

 

Im thankful as there is still a great place for all thoughts of honesty and comes without any judgements :)

ano ba mali sakin?? gusto ko na sumuko please someone just shoot me now or just stab me with a knife :( nawalan nanaman ako ng trabaho!! not only once, but for the second time around! why can't i take a hold of my own destiny?? why do people over power me?? does anyone like me at all or acknowledge me at all? im such a loser :(

oh i know..when all else fails..think CONFIDENCE!