finding my happy place

This is the very reason why I dont want to be in a relationship. It starts out all fine, fun as though every little thing makes you smile or is smile- worthy. You feel happy. Then you begin to like that kind of feeling as if you were on thin air floating. Like everything is in a dazed..then you get addicted to that feeling. You liked it very much now, you can't get enough of it! you crave for it now. And then you fall for it. Ah, the feeling of being in-love..has come knocking on my door once again.

Who would have thought that I would be feeling this certain amount of gush in my heart again. After being broken for how long and getting traumatized over the fact that I had onced loved, I am now again falling for this trap.

I thought I had become braver and stronger. I really believed that, knowing that nothing can get any tougher from the relationship that I've been through in the past. And so I have been very careful this time not to screw things up, trying to be all nice and change what was wrong about me on my past relationship to what I currently have now. I was surely going great.  It has been almost a month and a week now since we strated talking and everything was just amazing. We even had a good time and wa sweet and all being together. It was just a perfect way to start the year right. He was happy, and I must admit I was happy too.

Not until the first fight we had. Well, technically it was. Since the two petty fights that we had before I did not even bother to include. This fight that we are dealing with right now is far more grave than all the others.

I told him to back- off for a while and that we shouldn't talk first. Usually, he would still bug me even if I asked him not too. I liked that. I like it when he would just be all head over heels on me and wont be able to handle not talking to me.

But this time is different. I told him not to speak to me and then when I texted him, there was no response. Did I lose him? How will we get this fixed still? Is this the end of it?

It's good to find out but who knows.

I really thought I might give it a shot because he might be different from the last one that I had a realtionship with.

Turns out, he's probably just the same. If this will end though, I 'd be happy with the memories we had shared short but sweet..As he said, It was great memories. And if he's gone and won't talk to me anymore, knowing that we are not even official anyways then I guess it had just justified that Im really no good at this love thing..yes?

I know, he knows that there was a connection. We both felt it but we were just so careful not to show it.

I really dont know, and I am so stressed..from work, him and my life. I ought to not kid myself on love any more. I was doing fine without it, now why do I have to go through all these heartaches...

If you don't want to reply to me, then don't! If you just want to forget about me, then go ahead! I won't come running after you..That is your decision.

Im am going to miss you. Sure, I will! But I have to be strong, maybe one day i'll meet the person who is really destined for me. The one who will not leave me.

I am so used to all the men in my life leaving me anyway.

I just thought you make the difference. But I guess I was wrong.

He said he misses me, and I miss him too. He finally gave in and responded to my text message..I guess he really did miss me..as he replied so quickly this time around.

But then again, a good friend of mine had to message me too and so I had to cut the conversation I was just about to have with him since, I didn't want no one to interrupt the talk that I was going to have with him, I went on and prioritized my friend first so I can end the talk with my friend immediately.

I procrastinated, and just when I was about to go and talk to him, he left! and we didn't get the chance to speak anymore. I felt bad..on making him wait and also for the fact that he didn't wait for me until Im ready to talk.

Im thinking the act that I did was kind off rude and selfish, even blaming him that he did not even wait for me yet he really did..I even left him a message saying that if he doesnt want to really talk to me, he couldve just said something or whatnot before taking off.

I know, i know, i really suck at this. Now, the misunderstanding between us seems to be piling up. I have to put a stop to it.

And the only way I know is to keep my quiet. Now, it sure is a good time not to really speak at all. Just like what I kept on telling him that we just shouldn't talk first.

I just hope that he is ok and that us not talking for a while won't be too hard for him, after all he is a guy anyway..im sure he can divert his attention to many things unlike how it is with girls when they can get more sentimental over things.

I really don't know how guys handle this kind of situation or if they even sweat on these things! I can't figure them out really and what ever is going on their mind I just don't have any idea.

If we are really meant to cross paths again, then I would be really glad. But i will surely miss him..but I have to do this, to save my mind from thinking and maybe him too.

I can't even open up my messages..

Why am I so scared? Is it because I have been traumatized from what has happened to me in the past meaning all the rebuttal that's been said to me might haunt me again?

Am I afraid of rejection, or whatever it may take? Or am I just afraid of my own self because I dont know how to handle the situation.

What am I running away from? Maybe I am just embarassed of the possible mess that I have created.

Anyway, this is not something new..whenever fights or arguements happen, I always run from it.

Its not that I can't face the situation, it's just that my heart becomes too heavy, too heavy and it's weak I can't take it that it makes me need to escape to make it still beat, it chooses to avoid it..

hahaha. gusto ko nalang talaga matawa sa sarili ko ngayon! ewan ko ba bakit napakaseryoso ko talaga sa mga oras na'to! lahat nalng ng katiting na bagay binibigyan ko ng kahulugan! hindi man ako makatawa! kahit makihalubilo sa mga tao dito hindi ko magawa ng mahusay no'! halos dito ko nalang lahat binubuhos lahat ng mga gumugulo sa isip ko! busy kasi sa trabaho, eh alam mo naman na talagang sineseryoso ko tong trabaho ko na'to. hindi mo naman ako masisi noh, sa hirap ba naman ng pinagdaanan ko para makarating sa kinaroroonan ko ngayon! napatalsik nko sa trabaho noon, tapos, nilait- lait na din ng mga boss ko noon! naalala ko diyos ko po, hindi ko lang maintindihan ng mabuti yung sinasabi niya kung pano gawin yung inuutos sakin, sabihan ba naman kung meron daw ba akong problema sa pag aalala- kung makakalimutin nga daw ba ako! dinamdam ko talaga yun! masisisi mo ba ako na kabago bago ko pa lang sa trabaho ha?

So eto, ngayon medyo gumaan na pakiramdam ko dahil alam ko na kung pano aayusin tong problema na hindi ko masolusyonan sa trabho ko, kaya ok nako!

haaayyayay! siguro babalik na naman ako sa normal kong pag uutak! ewan ko lang kung ano ba nanaman ang mangyayari pagkatapos nito! napakavulnerable ko kasi eh! grabe lang talaga!

Im just really so shy. I wish I could get over it but I just can't! I don't know what is there to be shy about really..Maybe it's really because they just might reject me or don't believe me when I speak up..Im so shy, I wish I could get over it and assert myself well..but how??

The only chance I can assert myself is when Im just totally mad already and when my temper has reached its hottest state.

Im just not confident enough..and I dont know how to have it..

I do envy those people who have the confidence and could just lure the crowd whenever they'd speak up especially those you can't really tell that can talk..I on the otherhand is left with all these beautiful stories all to myself..sigh

tired of thinking too much..how do you make it stop?

I hate my family! my mom, dad, my sister, lahat sila. Because of their mistakes, ganito ako ngayon. ang dami kong issues! how i wish i could be in a place where there is absolutely no sight of them anymore.

That's why i am a happier person when im not with them. I find comfort from my friends. Those who know nothing about my ugly family history. I can be myself..the person that my family doesn't know.

I really can't wait to have my own family, now with that I will never ever let my future family experience the sad parts that has happened in my life.

I guess starting a new life, with a new family is where ill find my happy place...I don't want to be lost no more..I just want to belong to someone who needs me and will never leave me alone, atleast i will have something of my own. Im just so tired of people leaving me behind...

i really want out. maybe move to another country where no family is at sight. no sister, mother, dad..where no one knows me. that would be great, that way i can escape them and their biased judgements on me. that way i will no longer be hurting

I dont know why im so affected by the fact that someone in our office got fired out. I was really troubled by this and somehow, it affects me in a way that i am now so concerned of my every action here at work. I have this feeling that I am now being watch by the people here in the office. Not to mention that I get so paranoid too.

I dont really know if I should be affected by the loss of her at work. Anyhow, I dont do what she does and quite frankly, I believe that I am more professional than her in terms of my  work ethics. Im just so scared. What happened to her happened to me too. And for some reason, I dont want that to happen to me again. Should I just quit? before they fire me out too? Not that Ive been seeing any signs that they are going to..I just dont know what to do..Or maybe there really is no problem to deal with and Im just being really paranoid over it.

Anyhow, I think Im just pressured. I do have a lot of things going on my mind right now. There's this guy I met, and I really like him..I even hope we end up together but im just being pessimistic or skeptic about it knowing that he doesnt live nearby me so how are we going to make it work out if we cant even be together..I dont think i can do another long distance relationship..it might just lead to trouble again and I dont really want fights and all. I think im just done with all the fighting I had in my past relationship.

Now im also bothered by the fact that my ex has a gf already. I wasnt expecting it because I really thought i was going to be the first between the two of us to have one. Not that it matters but it really bothers me and makes me think that there probably is something wrong with me and why the hell is it so hard for me to find him. Im glad that he is happy. I really am, atleast I know there is someone to take care of him and give him the attention that he needs. I dont really have nothing to do with the decisions he make for his own life but for some reason, I just cant be totally indifferent about it. Not that I still see us together, that is comepletely out of the issue..but what im just saying is why cant i find him just as he found his. That is my basic concern. Maybe im just a little jealous that everyone is having someone to care of them and all..meanwhile, i cant even open my eyes and see who is out there for me.

Job and love confusion. I just want to be the way I was several months ago. I think im being so serious nowadays and I just hope that I wont turn out to be a too much of a wallflower anytime soon. I think im turning out to be one.

what do i really need to be happy?

Last tuesday, I went out to party with a bunch of crazy friends hoping that I make a difference in the routine that im in. Bad idea. Now I dont even know if im still up for the hardcore clubbing scene anymore just like how I was doing in the past. Well, that was what i did a year ago and I think im slowly wanting to take a pause or lie low on it for now. Oh, I dont even know if this is because of this guy I like that causes me to act this way..Maybe I am just changing old habits..I really have no clue..

What the hell? why did he message me at 12 midnight? was that a f****** booty call? damn! I hate it. he just caused himself a few points less to me. I thought he was different..but i guess im wrong about it. He says he rrespects me but..I have no clue if he is just manipulating me into thinking that we have moved forward from being just friends only for the sole purpose of his illusional satisfaction.

It's too complicated. We have just been chatting. But we met already..twice. And he was really respectful and nice. Not at all like those typical perverted guys you see around or meet especially on-line. Im not even sure if i want to give him my cell number..I dont know why im just so scared of him. Could it be because of the manner of how we met..which is on-line meaning, he was a total stranger really..but there is nothing wrong in meeting and getting to know people u hardly know and then from that point you just get to know them which will eventually familiarize yourself to each other and discover common things you share to bride the gap between you two? Oh well, maybe it is me who keeps on thinking and thinking about this and making things complicated. Was that even a booty call in the first place?? If I would like to think that it was..then it's going to be that way. If I want it to appear as maybe he was just bored or he remembered me and knew how i was then that could be too. It all depends on how I would like to justify it.

But how do I know if what im justifying is still right and proper? Or am i already blinded to see what the real deal is by now? Am i still being sensible with my decision making? Oh my gosh...

I hate it when i commit mistakes at work! i cannot afford to make mistakes now. What the hell is happening to me that i can't concentrate? i have to push further. gather my thoughts. The least i could do is to fail right now. I need to impress the big boss in our company. I have to assert myself and know the right words. Damn.

I thought i wouldn't find myself in this exact same spot that i was in about a year ago. I'm listening to the same old songs. Pondering on the same exact thoughts. Thinking about endless what-if's. I have let myself out in the open and ripped my heart out. But then again I get nothing. I know myself. Should have prevented this from happening. I think im falling and my heart is so torned. I am stranded and shouldn't this be lesson enough for me?

Just what do I do to stop thinking about you?

I had a dream last night that I was brushing my teeth. I was really bothered by it up to the point that i was still disturbed when I woke up. I knew there was a meaning to it and just as i thought, there was a dream interpretation about it. How uncanny was it that i had discovered its meaning. Not that every dream is supposed to have one. So i googled it and this was what i had found out.

"brushing your teeth indicates the clearance of obstacles which have been holding you back"

I wonder what this tries to implicate on me. I really do hope that I figure out what essence this brings to me.

Maybe this might be the one and only statement that might help me with all the heartbreaking scenarios that's been happening around me