finding my happy place

Minsan hindi ko talaga alam kung ano ang gusto ko talaga mangyari sa buhay ko. sa ngayon kuntento naman ako sa takbo ng buhay ko..tahimik, nagagawa ko ang gusto ko, walang bumabawal sakin at wala din akong iniintinding problema. pero sa kabila ng lahat ng iyon para bang may kulang pa rin. yun ay mag isa lang ako dito..may mga kaibigan ako na hindi ako kinekwestion..yung tipong walang pakielamanan kahit ano pa ang gawin ko sa sarili ko masama man o mabuti. Nandyan lang sila at nagkakasiyahan naman kami sa tuwing nagkakasama kami. masaya ako oo. hindi naman sa naghahanap pa ako ng higit pero iniisip ko lang kung ganito na lang ba ang takbo ng mundo ko. o hanggang kelan ba na ganito na lang ako. sinusubukan kong maghanap at tulungan ang sarili ko halimbawa na ilagay ang buhay ko sa sitwasyon na kinalalagyan ko ngayon at kalimutan na ang lahat ng naiwan at iniwan ko o yung nakasanayan ko para masanay na din ako sa buhay dito pero hindi ko naman magawang kalimutan at itapon na lang lahat, ang dali sabihin na kalimutan ko nalang ang lahat pero hindi ko naman magawa. bumabalik pa rin ako sa nakasanayan ko..hindi man ganun kabigat tulad ng dati syempre nabago na din ang takbo ng isip ko ngayon sa tagal na napalayo na ako sa buhay ko dati pero bakit sa kabila ng lahat parang kinoconsidera ko pa rin na pwede ko pa balikan ang nakaraan. kung wala na talaga sakin yon dapat hindi na ako naapektuhan at hindi ko na binibigyan ng tanning kung ano man ang ginagawa ko dito diba.. iniisip ko na siguro kulang lang ako sa atensiyon at wala kasing nag bibigay sakin nun..kung meron man..hindi naman seryosohan. yung pag aalaga sakin na natamasa ko nung nandun pa ako sa dati, yun naman ang malaking kulang sakin ngayon kung saan ako naroroon. kaya siguro iniisip ko pa at cinoconsidera doon dahil yung hinahanap ko na butas na yun ang mahalaga talaga sakin...siguro kung mapuno yun dito baka pa siguro talagang makukuntento nako kahit na dito na lang ako mamalagi at hindi ko na babalikan yung buhay ko noon o hahanapin pa yung kulang na yun sa buhay ko. ang masaklap talaga ay hindi ko makuhakuha yun dito. hindi ako sigurado na siya ba ang gusto kong balikan o gusto ko lang yung pakiramdam na binigay niya sakin na kung mabibigyan ng pagkakataon na maramdaman ko pa iyon kahit na sino pang tao kahit hindi na siya ay matatahimik na kaya ako at sasaya na napunuuan na yung butas na yun sa buhay ko ngayon? kung kaya napapaisip ako ngayon..siya ba tlga ang gusto ko? o gusto ko lang na merong nandyan para sakin? kung babalikan ko man yung noon ay para sa kanya ba? na dahil siya talaga ang gusto ko makasama o kung may dadating dito sa kinaroroonan ko ay hindi na siya ang hahanap hanapin ko at tuluyan na akong makakalimot. kelangan ko lang talaga malaman kung bakit hindi ko matanggap sa sarili ko na dito na ako at wala nang balikan pa.

So i finally got to the bottom of my drama the past weeks. I didn't like how I was feeling and so I had to help myself to pick up my shoes and disregard all issues that were bothering me.

First, I talked to a friend and elaborated to her my dilemma and by speaking with her I've come to realize that I was being drawn closer to "it" once again and that explains why I was feeling uncomfortable. I didn't like the feeling..I felt so weak and lonely. I didn't want myself to feel that way again and go back to being the same needy person that i was. I had to make it stop or go away.

I assessed the possibilities as to why I was feeling this way and it was because I was feeling kinda lost and disoriented. Many times I wouldn't take care of myself and be lazy towards certain things and by that i was being idle thus vulnerable to unfocus. My immediate response was to have an outlet and it actually helped alot voicing it all out. It was the first step to make me realize by hearing my own sad self discuss this pathetic issue to my friend. I got an honest opinion from her and she told me the way I was acting. She was right. I was being drawn back to "it". I don't blame her though for her honest opinion since she basically lift off the burden of what I cannot admit. And then after that everything just went clear to me and explanations toward what I was feeling came about. I had been listening to songs that I was so used to, Subconciously, I was using my heart in everything that I was doing such as finding myself going over old photos and doing a lot of reminiscing..once again, depending on the thought of "it" was on play. 

I needed to stop this and so first thing was to cut all ties with "it". The only difference now is that I asserted myself over "it" that this can't be done and that I decided in my own terms that I cannot do this anymore whatever the takes may be. The first time I ever decided to cut it out with "it" with so much sureness felt so great on my behalf and that is without any backing out. I had never asserted myself towards "it" this way before and without and feeling of guilt. It was a sign that I do love myself and I do care for myself. And im proud.

All I have to do now is to live up to what I have decided on. There's is absolutely no time to be subjective. Time to toughen up and face the consequences of my actions. Whatever will face me involving this decision I must face with courage and to take it easy. No to mention stop it with the unnecessary thinking.

Key is to think like an innocent child to forget pain is even existent.

People have been asking me if I had found a new interest right now. And i wonder why they even bother to know? What are their reasons to even be interested on that issue? Perhaps there are no reasons behind it. They are just plain curious and they want to know. Not that they will take it against me. Or so I hope not. But maybe its only a given or it's a reaction that's being called for by the situation.

I can finally say that it's over between the two of us and I am not hoping for us to get back together anymore. After what I have experienced in vegas? 'tis the world on my shoes! I realized that there is so much more and that it is so much fun to have to be able to pick and choose only for the best out there for me. I am forgetting about you and it's perfectly okay. For once, I do not feel the lost of losing you any more. I am experiencing the world right now. And there is no other way that I am stopping myself from achieving what would be best.

It doesn't hurt anymore. The thought of us not being together as a couple does not make me ponder no more like those days in the past. I am now looking for my future ahead. And the good part is that I am in charge of whatever actions that I do. No guilt feelings, no regrets. I am in charge of my own life now and I shall do whatever it is that makes me happy whether you are happy yourself or not.

I deserve to be happy too, you know.

And so I've been really vulnerable the past few days..eyeing on people at any given place..i just can't help it..you know the feeling of a pre- teen who is just about to experience prom for the first time.. that's what I feel like right now! I feel like im a girl in bloom! Come to think of it! I haven't really felt this feeling before.. I guess I kinda skipped that phase of having crushes and all that when I was younger and that is probably because I had other priorities to tackle like confidence issues, insecurities, school and all that and so I missed out on that portion of my growing years. Well so far, I had always been on the lookout..and this I think is just normal. Although sometimes I think that my friends cannot relate to my giddiness I still feel ecstatic over it. Well, i have realized that I am now more selective towards things. Only choosing the best on which I hope will lead me to the person who is close to perfect as my match. Probably if I get over my shyness, I would make the process faster but I just don't know when that shyness will just shoo away. I get so intimidated eventhough I don't have to be..I guess it's just difficult for me to be myself..but that is a diferent story altogether. Eventually, I hope to meet the close to  perfection guy that I dream. I dont know why I am actually wanting one but maybe it's because I do miss the feeling of having a companion, especially now that it's beginning to sink in me that my sister is dating someone plus all my friends are in a relationship. But, aside from that, I just want to try it out I supposed..because I am actually scared perhaps to be in a real one so a trial period is just fine..but is there even such a thing? Oh well, as of now, they are all merely eye candies.. I guess that's better...so there will be no expectations, and everything else is just plain taboo...

I think we really had a connection together..At some point I didn't try to be myself while we were talking, thinking that not giving my all would keep him wanting for more and it sure was a big mistake. I realized he was excited to talk to me too, but I wonder what stopped him from talking to me. I sent him a message..but up to now there is no response..Although I don't know if it's because I turned him off or whatnot..I can almost come up with as many theories and what nots and Im getting a little impatient now and really anxious but what can I do, I can't just bother him any more. I don't want to  rub it with him and keep on messaging him although I haven't really tried for once..as I might only make the situation worse now that we are not talking.. I guess the lesson learned here is that I should just be confident and be myself and probably give my best in any given situation just to make sure I leave good marks behind. I just wish I wont fall too hard this time as I don't want to feel rejected once again.

So i had just read from another person's blog this line

"Kung ayaw ka na pansinin, just DROP IT".

Could this be an answer to my the previous blog that I had posted seconds ago?

Oh, i really hope not..it's just too soon to do this!

I think i am in love..Atleast I think in my mind I am..but you know that whatever the mind suggests the heart feels..so yes, I think i am in love.

I'm sad though since I feel that i am in love with an illusion..and I feel that the distance we have from each other is just so far away. And now he is leaving yet i haven't even seen him, and what I have left of him are merely thoughts now.. I shall only see him in my dreams now..and i think that it is sad..

I am in love, yes- but only with an illusion..like snow angels that never leave a mark..like snow angels that only washes away...