mas makakabuti na rin siguro na mag isa na lang ako. tutal, nakasanayan ko nanaman mag isa. at masaya naman ang walang iniintindi. kesa sa may iintindihin pang iba. sigurado, masasaktan lang nanaman ako. mabuti pa nga na mag- isa na lang ako para ako na lang ang may pananagutan sa sarili ko at wala ng expectations sa iba. wala na ring makikialam sakin..mas mabuti na din ito.
I think i am in love..Atleast I think in my mind I am..but you know that whatever the mind suggests the heart feels..so yes, I think i am in love.
I'm sad though since I feel that i am in love with an illusion..and I feel that the distance we have from each other is just so far away. And now he is leaving yet i haven't even seen him, and what I have left of him are merely thoughts now.. I shall only see him in my dreams now..and i think that it is sad..
I am in love, yes- but only with an illusion..like snow angels that never leave a mark..like snow angels that only washes away...
So i had just read from another person's blog this line
"Kung ayaw ka na pansinin, just DROP IT".
Could this be an answer to my the previous blog that I had posted seconds ago?
Oh, i really hope not..it's just too soon to do this!
I think we really had a connection together..At some point I didn't try to be myself while we were talking, thinking that not giving my all would keep him wanting for more and it sure was a big mistake. I realized he was excited to talk to me too, but I wonder what stopped him from talking to me. I sent him a message..but up to now there is no response..Although I don't know if it's because I turned him off or whatnot..I can almost come up with as many theories and what nots and Im getting a little impatient now and really anxious but what can I do, I can't just bother him any more. I don't want to rub it with him and keep on messaging him although I haven't really tried for once..as I might only make the situation worse now that we are not talking.. I guess the lesson learned here is that I should just be confident and be myself and probably give my best in any given situation just to make sure I leave good marks behind. I just wish I wont fall too hard this time as I don't want to feel rejected once again.
And so I've been really vulnerable the past few days..eyeing on people at any given place..i just can't help it..you know the feeling of a pre- teen who is just about to experience prom for the first time.. that's what I feel like right now! I feel like im a girl in bloom! Come to think of it! I haven't really felt this feeling before.. I guess I kinda skipped that phase of having crushes and all that when I was younger and that is probably because I had other priorities to tackle like confidence issues, insecurities, school and all that and so I missed out on that portion of my growing years. Well so far, I had always been on the lookout..and this I think is just normal. Although sometimes I think that my friends cannot relate to my giddiness I still feel ecstatic over it. Well, i have realized that I am now more selective towards things. Only choosing the best on which I hope will lead me to the person who is close to perfect as my match. Probably if I get over my shyness, I would make the process faster but I just don't know when that shyness will just shoo away. I get so intimidated eventhough I don't have to be..I guess it's just difficult for me to be myself..but that is a diferent story altogether. Eventually, I hope to meet the close to perfection guy that I dream. I dont know why I am actually wanting one but maybe it's because I do miss the feeling of having a companion, especially now that it's beginning to sink in me that my sister is dating someone plus all my friends are in a relationship. But, aside from that, I just want to try it out I supposed..because I am actually scared perhaps to be in a real one so a trial period is just fine..but is there even such a thing? Oh well, as of now, they are all merely eye candies.. I guess that's better...so there will be no expectations, and everything else is just plain taboo...
I can finally say that it's over between the two of us and I am not hoping for us to get back together anymore. After what I have experienced in vegas? 'tis the world on my shoes! I realized that there is so much more and that it is so much fun to have to be able to pick and choose only for the best out there for me. I am forgetting about you and it's perfectly okay. For once, I do not feel the lost of losing you any more. I am experiencing the world right now. And there is no other way that I am stopping myself from achieving what would be best.
It doesn't hurt anymore. The thought of us not being together as a couple does not make me ponder no more like those days in the past. I am now looking for my future ahead. And the good part is that I am in charge of whatever actions that I do. No guilt feelings, no regrets. I am in charge of my own life now and I shall do whatever it is that makes me happy whether you are happy yourself or not.
I deserve to be happy too, you know.