finding my happy place

Times like these when i just remember my past. All the heartaches and mistakes I have done just seem to keep flashing. I never thought it will come knocking at my door. All the mistakes and shortcomings that I have done and people I have taken for granted just haunts me. I wish I could have turned it all around and have done the right thing but then again you can never go back to what has been done. All I can do is just be thankful for another given opportunity to correct things, and better things. I think it is about  time to move forward. I have justified that when it is time it is time. I have proven this and it is still happening to me right now. I am scared to face all this changes but I have to face it and be brave because I dont want to get stuck and for once I want to feel whats real. I want to give myself a chance as well before its too late. Thank you that I am not numb. That I can still feel the love and connection with my mom for the time being that we have been apart, now is the time to make amends. Thank you for all the grown- up realizations that has been happening to me with my attitude, my personality. Thank you because I have finally learn to give value to myself and let myself fly because I deserve it and because I know that I can do it. I dont want to waste my talents because I know I am better off. I want to make things happen. So help me God.

i feel so excited and overwhelmed today and its probably because i have been back to praying and keeping the faith strong. i have been doing productive things step by step lately and i know im going to be in a safe place. i can say no and not have anyone manipulate me. the most important thing is i am not blinded no more. i have wisdom in me and the strenght to resist all wrong doings. everything will be alright for i know it in my heart. and i cant wait for better things to happen..i beileve surprises do happen if you just have faith and trust that he can make it happen.

i am sending this out to the universe that i may achieve the goals that i want to achieve. that i want to have a stable career. that i may have a loving husband who will care for me and in return whom i can care for. that i may have children who will make life worth living for. savings. a peaceful life. a nice house and a nice car. simple yet meaningful.

its about time that i think of mature things to do. do i really still want to keep on partying? dont you think its about time that i think of more important matters in my life? start driving, start owning things? i must have a goal. i dont have anything right now but my party lifestyle. such a waste. i feel now that there is more to life than that. its working, being productive, getting out of my comfort zone. It will be tough but i have to do it. i need to help myself.

im just really thankful for my sister. she's always been there for me the past days. im just thankful. oh dear God please show me the way...i dont want to die..i dont want to lose..

im jobless again. what to do? i dont have any savings left. i dont want to think of this but i feel like this is the death of me...